You did not break me, Im still finding for peace

To the 25 years old me,

Today you were so broken inside

You were hurt

That unbearable pain walking away from a relationship that you wished could be your forever.

I know you never felt this broken before

You cried like you never before for all,

Those insignificant heartache, those restless night, those crazy anxiety, those over thinking and insecurity

You let yourself be faint and weak when you was meant to be strong and bright

And you lost it all when people dearest to you are settling down, married with the love of their life.

And there were you sadly thinking why in the world am I still have to deal with all these sh*t

Perhaps you thought you've met the one

You thought you have given your best,

Or perhaps you were just too scared to be...alone.

No, im not here to tell you "I told you so."

Im here to tell you that its okay darling, what you're feeling now is real

Cry your heart out, dont hold back those tears. Yet do know, you'll be better

Maybe not tomorrow neither the day after

But one thing fr sure, I'll promise you, you will surely be.

Know that nothing last forever, no even your laughter and so does this pain.

Because one day, you'll wake up with an open heart believing,

You are beautiful just the way you are

You know you deserve better

His validation doesnt define your precious self-worth. And most importantly,

You woke up blessed knowing that this is a wake-up call.

That Allah is saving you from things you had closed one eye to, those red flags you were too denial to admit it

And you could have never be more content that you walked away from it.

To NA,

You were once the risk i chose to take

My person, my saviour

My heart and soul,

My perfect stranger.

I gave you more that i had ever given another human being

I trusted you with all of me, something that never happened before

Thank you fr letting me know how it felt to be loved the way I never did before

Thank you for being the exact person you were once said you never would wanna  be.

And thank you, for made me realised all the right reason not to fall in love with wrong person (again).

Dear the 25 years old me,

You grow out of this stronger,

You are wise enough to embrace the beauty of all the pain that you went through.

Because the only way to escape when you reached rock-bottom is to go up.

Nothing happens without a purpose, nothing.

Not even heart broken, not even pain

Dear Intan Nur Hadilah,

You're caught in between strong mind and fragile heart,

There is only one place where you can lau your dependencies.

There is only one relationship that should define your self-worth and only once source from which to seek our ultimate happiness, fulfillment and security

That place is God.

Sweetheart,

Know your priority, this life is temporary

Never lose hope, have faith

Indeed Allah is with the patient

And you'll do great, in sha Allah

p.s: i love you dearly, and so does the wonderful souls that surrounds you. Please never forget that.

Adel Mardhiyah

Dear Adel Mardhiyah,

Yes, dont be suprise when you found this post link one day upon Google-ing your name. Maybe in 2030, when you're 17.

Or maybe much earlier since you might know how to use the Safari next year.

You're the first bundle of joy in our nuclear family. The first grandchildren, the  first niece, the first who get to call me Mak Ngah. How lucky is that? ;p

Im sorry you hasnt get the chance to meet and know your grandfather, but I want you to know he would be the happiest Atuk when you came to the world. 

Dear Adel Mardhiyah,

Whatever happens in the future, please do know that I love you dearly wholeheartedly. I grew up not knowing what it feels like to have cool, awesome Aunties. But please know you have not only one, but two that you can count on anytime, anywhere. Stay adorable, and be good to your parent. 

With lots of love ❤️

Mak Ngah

The 3 years old you and 25 years old me. 

Ignorance is (-nt always ) a bliss

intan nur hadilah

I used to live on 'Ignorance is bliss". 

Unfriend, hide, block.

When you don't know, you dont get hurt.

No anger, no heartache.

Because Im fragile like that.

But this time it was different.

I realised that at one point, 

You need to know the truth.

Escapism isnt always the best way out

Need to see it with your own eyes

Need to face it, by hook or by crook

No matter how much you know its going to hurt or destroy you.

Because at the end of the day,

"Truth hurt but it sets you free."

And you know one thing for sure--

You'll get better in time

Better and stronger. 

With or without a healed scar.

ps: Was browsing through my phone and found there were few random notes I wrote from time to time. And I think its better off fr it to posted here :)

Good-for-nothing?

Changes are inevitable

The only things that are constant in life are changes.

But, do you remember?

You were once 

Someone who told me to have some decent boundaries among the guy friends

Wants me to read and understand the Quran

Asked me almost every day if I've read it, even though my replies were rebellious

"Tak payah lah tanya, kau ni sibuk je lah"

Someone who hates to delay the daily prayers and drawn me to do the same too

Wrote me a short dua to read it daily just because it's a scary world out there

Taught me what to do when I'm terrified of the heavy rain thunders

Do you remember?

You were once a wise person with strong principle.

Years might pass

But those version of you will forever be remembered

Always am --and will always do.

Thank you.

6 bulan kemudian...

I miss writing, I truly am.

Somehow I think Im a better person when Im into writing. Better in what way, Im not sure. But I just knew I do.

Maybe because I love to read my old blog post and reminiscing on memories and phases of life.

So when I dont write, I tend to forget.

Always had those overwhelming spirit on writing bout major things that happened in my life but end up (most of the time) never did. So sad.

So to start simple, since my last post was in March. Hello thats like 6 bulan lepas. Half a year.

I officially graduated as a Doctor!!

Yeayyy alhamdulillah :)

Can you believe it? Macam tak percaya 

Ke denial sebab jadi student actually phase paling best dalam hidup haha

BUT, its a long waiting period to actually working as one. So Im having a LONG BREAK in life. And to be honest, reading all those FB status bout how stressful working life is, made me appreciate this long break more than ever.

So worry not, IM NOT GOING TO COMPLAIN BOUT HOW LONG IT GOING TO BE. 

Im still trying to figure out what to do with my life now. As much as I enjoy those spare times, I felt so guilty that those time wasnt spent wisely. Trying to find a part time job. This time I know myself Im being picky bout it. Im really not into retails job atm, simply because I still want my weekend to be off.

Wanted to have a job that means something to the society. Nak jadi cikgu tapi tiba tiba rasa macam susah gila lepas tutor Eisya siang tadi. Padahal baru darjah satu. Haha. 

Well, we'll see how it goes.

Till then,

- Your jobless doctor. 

#49daystoFinalExam

10th March 2016


Kau claim dengan Tuhan,

Tapi aku dah selalu je study,
Tapi aku jarang gila ponteng tutorial,
Tapi aku rajin je study group,
Tapi aku dah buat banyak benda,
Tapi kenapa aku?

Kenapa aku?

Kenapa tak orang lain.
Kenapa tak orang lain yang study pun entah bila.
Kenapa tak orang lain yang tak kisah pun pasal exam.
Kenapa tak orang yang selalu ponteng kelas.

Kenapa eh? Kenapa?


Kau claim kenapa dalam banyak banyak orang Dia pilih kau.

Tapi kau lupa,
Pernah tak sekali dalam hidup kau pertikaikan nikmat yang kau dapat?
Makan minum tak pernah kurang.
Sempurna anggota badan,
Mak, ayah, rumah, duit.

Pernah ke kau claim kenapa dalam banyak banyak manusia Tuhan nak bagi kau.
Layak ke nak claim segala "effort" yang kau bagi dengan nikmat yang seribu lagi banyak Tuhan dah beri.

Malu nya.
Ya Rabb, maafkan diri yang hina, terlalu sombong dan selalu alpa

Lupa akan realiti nya rezeki Allah bukan lah pada "effort" fizikal semata-mata. 

Mungkin terlalu lama hilang pergantungan pada Nya

Sebab tu Allah rindu.

Wahai diri

Pujuk lah hati.

Its okay. Its alright.
Allah tahu.

Intan Nur Hadilah, hang in there.
Allah tahu struggles kau.

Dia kan tengok usaha?

:)

SOCRATES

intan nur hadilah

" So, from a scale of 1-10, from 1 being okay to 10 being really bad, how would you rate your pain?"

A question that (most of) medical students would ask their patients in history taking.
But personally it's not one of my favourite question to ask.
Most of the time, when I find it less relevant I'll just skip it.

Pain is subjective.
Everyone has a different pain threshold.
Some might tolerate pain better than other people.
Be it physical or emotional.

Emotional pain.

People might say heart broken is the worst heartache in the world.
Well as for me, there will always be a worse scale of emotional pain than being heart broken.
The pain of losing your family members.
The kind of pain that time doesn't heals.
Time made you stronger talking about it.
But deep inside..............

Only He knows how it felt :)

This remind me of a friend who just lost his father two years.
I was there for the tahlil. She came to me and said,

" Kita tak tahu lah macam mana. Every time teringat mesti nangis. Intan, will the pain ever stop?"
I can still remember her sad looking eyes. Full of hopes. Waiting for me to answer "Yes, soon."
But I cant answer that. Because its one ugly truth that only those who went through it will understand. Can I just hug you instead?

So if I have to answer a pain scale question, from 1-10. My answer would be,

Infinity.

Bukan mengadu domba,

Cuma berkongsi rasa.