The perks of being a third-year medical student.

intan nur hadilah


So, today I feel like writing.
As a third year medical student, I decided to write a post about this.
So that the future-doctor of myself ( InshaAllah) will always be reminded by this highly driven hope and dreams. Chehh.

Its been almost eight months since Im in Galway.
And for the first few months when people (especially the locals) asked me,
 " So are you going back to your country after you graduate?"

A spontaneous answer will be like,
" Yeah of course Im going back :D "

Within those period, honestly speaking, I always wanted to go back home when Im done here.
Not only because Im a JPA-bounded scholar and Im bounded for 10 years bla bla bla.
But because I never foresee myself to settle down far away from my country especially my family. Home sweet home.
And I know at that time, I was so firm with my decision and nothing can change that. Full stop.

You know they said, The only constant thing is changes.

Its been four months since I started my clinical years in the hospitals.
Life had been evolving only around the hospital. Monday to Friday.
Getting to know more people of different levels.
The nurses, staff nurses, interns, SHO, Registrar, SPR, Consultants.
And the more I'm here, the more I starting to understand why our Malaysians graduates choose to stay and work overseas instead of working in the 'tanah air tercinta'.

Oh well, some might say, " Elehh baru duduk berapa bulan dah poyo. Bias gila." Haha. Tak poyo pun. But this is reality. This is based on my own life experience.
Lets not just take this as a comparison just yet,its just me writing about how clinical years in Galway are.

We, the medical students are always welcomed in the hospital environment. Not only by the healthcare staffs but also the patients themselves.
Bukan 'beban'. 
Doctors be it, SHO, SPR or even the consultants are always keen to teach you. Even during the ward round or in the operation theater.
Sampai satu masa aku rasa takut nak balik, takut culture shock sebab dekat sini semua orang baik sangat.

There was this one time, my group and I had a bedside tutorial with the well-known Singaporean consultant yang garang. And I voluntered myself to present a case. Habis lah kena tengking semua.
Asian being asian kan. haha. But then rasa best gila, because that is what I needed after so long. That adrenaline rush of being scolded.
Rasa macam "Weh bodoh nya rasa. Sila balik, belajar."
After so long of having, " Nahhh you're doing great." 

Okay,berbalik kepada motif post.

I bet most of the medical students had watched this viral video.
First reaction was like, Apa motif video ni?
Are they trying to say, Its normal for a doctor to turn out to be like that? Thats the reality of life. Ke?

AS A MEDICAL STUDENT,
This is what I felt.
I dont want to turn up to be like that.
I never want to. I wish I never will. And I bet none of us do.
But dearself, Thats the reality of the working enviroment. No matter how much you want to deny it.

Aku tahu. Aku faham.

But, I believe so you can make a change. Maybe not entirely to the system as a whole. Maybe that's too ambitious. Yeah maybe.
Start with your own self. No one ever said, you have to be part of the reality cycle. Everyone has their own way to adapt to new things, to pressure, to people to whatever it is.
Mungkin satu hari nanti, bila aku dah lupa aku dah penat, akan terlalai jadi sebegitu.
Post ni akan jadi satu 'amanah' umum, satu bukti ikatan janji pada diri. Untuk sentiasa ingatkan diri,
Don't be the type of person you used to hate. 

Tipu lah kalau kata, pegangan kuat 'nak balik kerja terus dekat Malaysia lepas grad' tu tak goyah.
Ada juga terfikir, mungkin aku patut stay kejap. Mungkin.
Tapi realiti sebenarnya tak kisah lah kau di mana, you know life cant always be a bed of roses.
There always be pro and cons. You just have to be ready to face it. Be it the worse or the best. Doa-doa Allah permudahkan :)

So soon if there are more question of,
" So are you going back to your country after you graduate?"


A spontaneous answer will still be,
"Yeah of course Im going back." 


Insha Allah.

Rindu.

o
intan nur hadilah

Akan ada satu perasaan bila-bila aku baca kawan-kawan atau random strangers
bercakap pasal ayah masing-masing.
Either I read it on blogpost, facebook, Instagram or verbally.
I am not sure of what feeling was i talking about,
But for sure its not sad, jealous or anything negative.

Mngkin aku tumpang gembira. "Alhamdulillah seronok nyaa.."
Atau mungkin jugak aku selalu fikir,
" What is it feels to still have a dad now?"

Fitrah manusia, bila dah tiada baru terhengeh-terhengeh untuk menghargai.
I havent done much with my dad untill the age of 22.
But there will always be fantasy of mine,

That I'll take picture of us during my graduation day,
with his proud face on.
That he hug me and silently cry on my wedding day.
That he will be playing around with my (future) children, his grandchildren.

And many more...

" Sometimes you search so hard for the words. You find a way to interpret the language of this heart and the unspoken feelings. But in the end you are left with nothing but silence. And deep down you hope it's understood."

Pandang ke depan.
Jangan salah sangka. Aku tak pernah salah kan takdir or dwell on it.
Alhamdulillah for everything. Tapi tak salah kan berangan kadang-kadang? :)

Mama.
I love you, hanya Tuhan tahu bagaimana. ♥


I wanted to post something about Galway. Seriously its been days kot.
Maybe during the weekend.

an evening rainbow on our walk home in Galway.

You cant have a rainbow without a little rain.

The one that got away.

Yes, every soul will taste death. Its a promise we have to believe in.
A promise we have to put our ultimate faith on.
Either its unexpected, expected. Sudden,neither foresee.

I dont see it coming at all. WE dont see it AT ALL.
A few days back from 24th June,

My family was planning a surprise family gathering for my birthday.
A few days back, we were having a normal conversation.

22nd June, Friday

Papa was admitted to the emergency dept because he fell in the toilet and broke one of his rib.

24th June, 12a.m. 

Just an hour ago, i was at home. Making a home-made Tiramisu cake.
When Abang called from the hospital around 12.00am. Crying and terrified.

" Kakak.... Abang tk tahu apa jadi!! Dorang tengah de-fibrillate Papa. Cepat datang. BAWA SEMUA ORANG."

Ya Allah. Sumpah speechless.
Trying hard not to cry and stay calm, i woke Mama up and asked Nana and Kak Siti to get in the car.
Everyone was asking me what happen. Urging me to tell. But i cant. Not yet.
And, Mama cant stop crying in the car.

He revived. But the doctor said papa was critical. His heart stopped.
Dr just bagi two person at once masuk and tengok.
Machine was everywhere. Different wires were attached . He was breathing trough a respiratory machine. Sedih. Setiap orang yang masuk, mesti akan menangis bila keluar.
My sister being the closest to papa was literally menangis and meraung. She was just too weak at that moment. We had to calm her down.

It was the longest night of my life.
Sitting beside his hospital bedside, waiting for him to wake up.
Holding his cold hand, while listening to people reciting Yassin.
Perhaps that would be the longest time of my life holding his hand.
Counting every second of the ventilation machine to beep. Continue to beep and beeping.

Every second at that moment worth more than anything in the world.

I remembered how terrified i was, when the respiratory machine seems to stop functioning even for one second. One second.

7am +

Two specialist were talking to me. They gave him drugs to stabilize his blood pressure.
And suddenly, the nurse yelled,

 " Doctor! Asystole. Asystole."

Doctors and nurses rushed to his bed, pulled the curtain.
A nurse brought the oxygen tank. Another brought the defibrillator, again.
I knew this can be THAT moment.
Aku tak tahu macam mana nak describe saat ni.
Praying HARD, trying to give whatever you can offer to God, to give you just another chance.
Shaking, crying and silently praying.

" Ya Allah tolong lah. Bukan sekarang. Tapi kalau ajal papa dah sampai, Kau redha kan lah hati kami."

Ironically, as cliche as it can be.
After 10 minutes, the doctor walked out and said, " Im so sorry but we tried our best. Sent your prayers for him"

..........................................

Let the rest be in my memories.

The last time i talked to him was on Saturday. The 2nd of his admission.

"Okay papa, kakak nak balik dulu tau. Bye bye. See you tomorrow." Kissed his forehead.

He replied, while attached to the oxygen mask,
" Okay kakak jaga diri baik baik eh."

And, I never foresee that would be the last time i talked to him. The last time i saw him alive.
That was his last word to me.

InsyaAllah I will.

♥

" Allah rindu mendengar rintihan mu, kerana itu Allah memberi sedikit ujian, agar kamu ingat kepadaNya."

And when you think life is hard, tell me about it.

Had a pretty, i can say rough week. Went for a hospital visit for 3days in Hospital Orang Asli Gombak.
To be honest, the hospital visit was fine and i had a very wonderful experience meeting a different kind of people from our daily community :)




The rough part was,
You see i really wanted to write this down some where, so that 5 or 10 years from now, i can read it back and perhaps laugh at it or something.

Living a life as a medical student is hard. Every semester is a BIG struggle. And there will be times where i feel so damn tired, just so tired of it. But,people reminds me that there is nothing easy in being 'something' in life. True, siapa kata jadi engineer or architect senang? Or even any job you can recall in life.

I doubt myself,
Am i fit for this?

Right now,i really dont have those confident in actually passing my exam. Being terrified,and lost. Tapi cakap itu satu doa,so i'll just pass the ugliest part of my thought here :|

Negative people gives out negative aura. You never know how much your actions can affect other's people emotions or what so ever. So control your 'negativity' right.

But looking on the other sides,
people have the right to do and say what they want. You just have to know when and whats NOT to get affected by it.

Feel like giving up? Remember whats make you hold on for so long at the first place.

" Redha itu ikhlas. Pasrah itu menyerah."


•intan nur hadilah•

Dont sweat the small stuff.

Have you ever in the dilemma of making choices and decision between more than one options?

" Omg, next week exam summative. This weekends ada warehouse sale. Macam mana ni? Dah lah exam hari tu fail. Tapi tapi.....ZARA, Pull&Bear kot!"

" Mama, nana nak balik KL sekarang jugak. Nana benci tempat ni. Nak balik KL. Tak nak dah duduk Matrix ni. *nangis*"

" Nak pergi library ke nak follow dorang keluar tengok movie eh, tapi dah plan nak cover chapter ni utk exam   .Movie ke study? Movie? Study? Movie? "

True story of mine.
And suppose we all do? So as for me, i found this new so called,life-philosophy to hold on.



 ASK YOURSELF. " Will this matter a year from now?"
Seriously aku rasa sejak 'hold on' to this, i had make few which i called wise decision.? Dan dan lah :p Tapi sometimes kita just lupa, apa yang lagi penting dalam life. Just take a minute to think and consider, Does what you decide on REALLY matters a year from now? 
Kalau rasa nak pergi jugak warehouse sale tu, tapi revision entah left out ke mana. Dah lah memang tinggal a week je nak cover two system. Lepas tu boleh plak nak burn weekends? Dah lah awak FAIL exam lepas.So of course pass exam utk pass masuk fourth sem lagi penting. Baju baru dengan beg boleh ke jamin, intan?
Kalau awak rasa nak tinggal Matrix just sebab awak gaduh dengan kawan baik awak, memang sia-sia. Please dont be too emotional and fikir lah Matrix tu masa depan. 

TAPI ada lah juga exception kan, jangan lah psyco sangat. Kalau dah cuti tu, pergi je lah tengok movie ke keluar. Takpayah lah study. HAHA. 
THIS IS ONLY VALID IN DESPERATE MOMENTS, in case of studying :P
But but, seriously IT may help you. To think wiser and less emotionally :)
Summative exam note: I always think to pass a paper is good enough. But this time, i deeply want to feel how it feels to not just pass. I wish to achieve more than that. And so, i suppose i MUST/NEED to work MORE? Ohh yes :/

Ohh ohh! Tak wish pun Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha kat sesiapa this year. Its was a dull year :)Well hope, YOU had a superb raya walaupun mcm dah tak valid pun kan wish ni :p

And no one is allowed to break you. ♥

-intan nur hadilah