The one that got away.

Yes, every soul will taste death. Its a promise we have to believe in.
A promise we have to put our ultimate faith on.
Either its unexpected, expected. Sudden,neither foresee.

I dont see it coming at all. WE dont see it AT ALL.
A few days back from 24th June,

My family was planning a surprise family gathering for my birthday.
A few days back, we were having a normal conversation.

22nd June, Friday

Papa was admitted to the emergency dept because he fell in the toilet and broke one of his rib.

24th June, 12a.m. 

Just an hour ago, i was at home. Making a home-made Tiramisu cake.
When Abang called from the hospital around 12.00am. Crying and terrified.

" Kakak.... Abang tk tahu apa jadi!! Dorang tengah de-fibrillate Papa. Cepat datang. BAWA SEMUA ORANG."

Ya Allah. Sumpah speechless.
Trying hard not to cry and stay calm, i woke Mama up and asked Nana and Kak Siti to get in the car.
Everyone was asking me what happen. Urging me to tell. But i cant. Not yet.
And, Mama cant stop crying in the car.

He revived. But the doctor said papa was critical. His heart stopped.
Dr just bagi two person at once masuk and tengok.
Machine was everywhere. Different wires were attached . He was breathing trough a respiratory machine. Sedih. Setiap orang yang masuk, mesti akan menangis bila keluar.
My sister being the closest to papa was literally menangis and meraung. She was just too weak at that moment. We had to calm her down.

It was the longest night of my life.
Sitting beside his hospital bedside, waiting for him to wake up.
Holding his cold hand, while listening to people reciting Yassin.
Perhaps that would be the longest time of my life holding his hand.
Counting every second of the ventilation machine to beep. Continue to beep and beeping.

Every second at that moment worth more than anything in the world.

I remembered how terrified i was, when the respiratory machine seems to stop functioning even for one second. One second.

7am +

Two specialist were talking to me. They gave him drugs to stabilize his blood pressure.
And suddenly, the nurse yelled,

 " Doctor! Asystole. Asystole."

Doctors and nurses rushed to his bed, pulled the curtain.
A nurse brought the oxygen tank. Another brought the defibrillator, again.
I knew this can be THAT moment.
Aku tak tahu macam mana nak describe saat ni.
Praying HARD, trying to give whatever you can offer to God, to give you just another chance.
Shaking, crying and silently praying.

" Ya Allah tolong lah. Bukan sekarang. Tapi kalau ajal papa dah sampai, Kau redha kan lah hati kami."

Ironically, as cliche as it can be.
After 10 minutes, the doctor walked out and said, " Im so sorry but we tried our best. Sent your prayers for him"

..........................................

Let the rest be in my memories.

The last time i talked to him was on Saturday. The 2nd of his admission.

"Okay papa, kakak nak balik dulu tau. Bye bye. See you tomorrow." Kissed his forehead.

He replied, while attached to the oxygen mask,
" Okay kakak jaga diri baik baik eh."

And, I never foresee that would be the last time i talked to him. The last time i saw him alive.
That was his last word to me.

InsyaAllah I will.

♥

" Allah rindu mendengar rintihan mu, kerana itu Allah memberi sedikit ujian, agar kamu ingat kepadaNya."

i called but i didn't wish :)

today is the 25th of june 2012. siapa yang kenal intan nur hadilah (or plg busuk pun, kwn thru her fb....), u'll know it is a special date (cz u might get a notification in ur fb home page). if i am back in Malaysia, i will get something done (cikai2 pun,at least roti canai sekeping :D) .. but it has not been me who celebrated this wonderful day with her for this past 3yrs - tahniah lerr M.... haha.

due to what happened yesterday,24th of june (i'll leave it to intan to MAYBE blog about it anytime later). there is d dilemma of appropriation to celebrate the event today. the whole day, i was thinking how to make celebrate in a subtle way. not to extravaganza (not that i can make it the best day of her life being thousand of kilometres apart tho =='), but just to respect what happened yesterday.

i know intan nur hadilah for approx 7yrs. i dont know her,inside out.but i at least should know (read: expected to know) how she wants today to turn out to be. before yesterday, i can honestly imagine what she wants, d dinner for two, a surprise visit from me (eh? haha)..
but for 25th of june 2012, i dont. we have never encounter such scenario like this before. never talked about it. never thought that such events in life will happen anytime soon. but janji Allah itu sempurna, it will happen when it is the time. 


on the other hand, being 21 is once in a life time moment. you can't TURN 21 over n over again, or choose to turn 21 maybe in the next yr or two. it doesnt work like that. so, i will grab this time spent to blog about your BIRTHDAY intan nur hadilah :)

first and foremost,

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY

(saywhatteveryouwant,youarestillmyperson)

last year, i gave you a birthday video. this year, could but didn't (sorry) make it in time to make something big for you. n obviously i cant buy a flight ticket to KUL because i have classes as usual :) the aim to celebrate our birthdays together (to cover up on d last 3 yrs of ur birthdays that i missed, n vice versa too!) at ampang lookout point will always be looked forward too (i dont know when that will happen,but i hope it will happen sometime :D)

a birthday must always come with wishes truely from the heart.....so here it goes babe.haha
1. may Allah bless your steps taken (n will be taking) to be a better person, in every aspect in life.
2. may you be granted success in exams, n future n life hereafter.
3. strength and courage to go through negative emotions.
4. alot of $$$ (so that we can go holiday together! haha)
5. the guy that is really meant for you,with qualities of a good husband :D
6. may you have good memory capacity to always remember me ;)

alright intan, being 21 is not like being 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20...
more life challenges will come and pay a visit to you. more dramas will happen. more dreams will be created. all the best, kawan baik :)

iloveyou as much as you do.maybe more.haha.

sarah hani signing out.

issues

a cold winter evening in Sydney :)

alone in my room. feels like blogging about something.but topics that come through my mind are all about studies..whaaaaa o.o i just dont hav interesting topics to blog about.bukan mcm si intan tu,ada je bnda yg dia nk tulis.haha. p/s: thanks for d previous post :')

currently, life di sini x seronok pun. byk kli aku try bygkn either intn dtg belajar sini thun dpn, or aku di malaysia anytime soon. life now is too routine. pagi2 bersiap ke hospital for a dreadful whole morning ward rounds (serious bosan). **imisssurgerytermsobadly* '

kawan lama...kau dah berputus hubungan dgn gadis itu ke?

holding on.in a very tough way.

terasa nak makan char keow teow ada kerang and udang besar.


sudah lah.bye

I'll love you for a thousand more.

intan nur hadilah

Terasa macam nak cerita.
Siapa lah tak tahu, Sarah Hani & Intan Nur Hadilah, the always-together twins in high school.
Memang tak dapat dinafikan, pergi mana-mana pun mesti berdua.
Sampai masuk college, takdir memisahkan kita. sobs.

But still nothing change as much back then in college.
We still texted each other like most of the time, shared even the slightest details of our life.
Plus minus, bila ada masing-masing start ada boyfriend time tu. Biasa lah conflict kawan baik, bila attention di-deviate kepada orang lain. Gaduh macam suami isteri. Comel nya kita sarahhhhhhhhhhhhhh? haha :P
Ohh well itu DULU.

Back in my 'belasan' tahun, i believe we all have this ideology of, BEST FRIENDS FOREVER.
We believe that nothing's gonna change, and no matter how old we are, best friends will always be happy together.

Well, its still not wrong to believe that.

Sambung balik cerita.
And untill the day Sarah finally flew of to Sydney. One of the saddest phase of my life.
To be separated away from my 'other-half'.

us.

First few month was hard. Time tu smart phone tkdelah common sangat.
Whatsapp, Viber bagai tu, kira the most new thing in town.
So we spent quite lots of money, on international calls and text.
We promise each other to try hard to keep our friendship as strong as we used to, no matter what.

But times goes by. Masing-masing semakin busy dengan life budak medic yang tak tentu busy nya ni.
And plus the time difference yang buat susah untuk kteorg 'parallel' kan free time.
Even though when we already connected to the most fastest and convenience communication ever.
Whatsapp, Viber, Skype, Twitter etc.
The text and call slowly 'dissapear'. The ritual update become less and lesser.
And we feel even far than we already are.

Honestly, banyak isu tak puas hati manja yang timbul dalam fasa ni.
Isu cemburu
Isu 'kenapa aku je yang selalu nak kena tegur kau dulu",
Isu " fine lah dia lagi penting dari aku now."

Haha.
Hot and cold, Dark and bright. Happy and sad. All in one.


Untill,

I learnt the meaning of loving someone not for the sake of dunya, only.
I search for the real meaning of it. And i finally came cross to an article, which change the whole perception of our friendship to me. Im not good in explaining these things. But do read it if you want :)

Things will definitely change. What matter is how you handle it.

Yes there are things in life where we imagine and dream of how life would be.
And we try our very best to make it true. Tapi akhirnya kita hanya manusia biasa.
So we have to believe on a power beyond our ability to make the rest as beautiful as it might be.

Sarah Hani is not 'mine'. She is a gift borrowed by Him for me. So does, this friendship.
If we cant even keep up with the most fastest net in the world, I shall put my heart and trust in Him to make this friendship goes fonder each day even without the 'how are you' texts.
And whenever i miss her, i'll pray that she can feel it too. hihi :')

All praised to Him, all those unnecessary emotional tense and burden on us, is slowly being understood and accepted with love ♥ :)

She is still my dearest person, and will always be. InsyaAllah.
I love you Sarah Hani, for the sake of Him
:)


Oh my, panjang gila post ni :p

kak Diana Rizal :)

intan nur hadilah




Dear Kak Dee, the only person on planet Earth who will call me Jewels.

How time flies, you had finally graduated from IMU and flying off too Scotland next Tuesday.
Congratulation my dear, you deserve every single of it :)

I'm not sure how we can be this close.
I cant remember how we started, but I can surely remember the wonderful feeling of having you around.
And I know for sure I'll be missing you, BIG TIME :(

Akan,

Rindu jumpa kak Dee around IMU with your purple bag.
Rindu kacau kak Dee dekat library.
Rindu borak dengan kak Dee.
Rindu nak mengada-ngada.

You are like a big sister to me, and of course to our other dear friend too, you know who.
A 'consultant' for us too, perhaps? :p Being there, for the up and down.
I can randomly tell you everything and anything, you'll be one of the person i look for if i need some personal opinion whenever I'm lost.
And your response always make me go,

"OMG, kak dee sangat memahamiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! "

I shall thank HIM, for a sister named Diana Rizal. For this lovely friendship. Alhamdulillah.

Take care in Scotland. May Allah ease you life over there.
And balik nanti intan nak souvenir okay? :DD

Uhibbukifillah ♥


P.s: Please dont make me cry. Thank you for writing this :')

selingan

i am sarah hani. i am still alive. life has been busy. n it is getting colder here,down under.

bye.

intan nur hadilah, hi! :D

Save the best for last (?)

intan nur hadilah.

Tergerak hati untuk tulis juga walaupun sebenarnya niat di hati nak post benda lain sebelum ni.
Have you heard of Dena Bahrin? Di mana satu ketika video dia di-proposed jadi satu fenomena?

Oh well, She's married! :D
' Akak' doakan korang bahagia. haha. Omg, tua setahun je padahal.

Btw, aku baca latest blog post dia. Seperti biasa, review yang aku baca di sana sini, sweet nyaa etc.
Menarik. She's only 20 and macam mana nak cakap eh, she see things in a totally different way of what typical 20 years old girls should be thinking. The right way. Alhamdulillah, for her :)

RESPECT.

Bukan lah issue kahwin awal yang aku nak higlight. But issue 'save it after the marriage' by her.
Honestly berada di tempat aku, menjadi diri aku, i used to have those episodes of my heart-ache 'love story'.
Menangis, gembira, suka duka, benci sayang, rindu.

All praised to HIM, recently i feel so blessed by the 'gift' He sent me.
Semakin sedar, tahu apa yang salah and betul.
Belum lagi sempurna, dan mungkin tak akan sempurna.
Tapi sekurang-kurang nya crawling slowly out of my 'comfort zone'.

And this little girl's words some how inspired me as much as i could never imagined.

" If the 'Love' makes you become worse. Let it go. it's hard. Allah knows and He will replace someone better for you. If the Love makes your relationship with family or beloved people worse, turn to Allah for decision, Allah knows the best. If you're in dilemma what you want and what make things better. Have faith in Allah, He knows what you've done.He knows what you've sacrificed. Dan, cinta itu memang perlukan pengorbanan." 

First time baca this paragraph, rasa macam sangat...... speechless.
Does this girl just read whats on my mind and heart?! Okay coincidence.

Oh yes its hard and Im letting go of the the past 'love story'.
For good, InsyaAllah.


And for the future,

 "  If you love someone, protect the 'love' . Protect the sweetness"


"  Girls, protect your dignity,your heart and guys, please protect the girl you love. Please save your love story. Choose someone to marry, not someone for you to only walking around and be happy.  "

:)
May Allah bless you, dunya and akhirah. ♥