#throwback

 intan nur hadilah

4th Decemeber 2013.

Happy 17th Birthday Qistina.

My sweet little sister, my first person I will recall when the word 'cousin' popped out.

We grew up basically near to each other.

I watched dearly your life transition.

To an annoying little girl who rebel much to this very heart warming lady.

It seems like every time I see you, I see me, in you :)

Writing this down, because changes is inevitable.

Your real life adventure will starts once you're out of school.

Enter college, meet new different kind of friends and stay away from home.

And, I pray to God that He will make you strong to face this new life.

Perhaps the next time I see you when I'm back, you'll be slightly different.

Its okay, thats normal. Its just that I hope different you is a better you.

Uhibukki fillah my little sister <3 nbsp="" p="">

Because changes are inevitable.

Just like the weather.

One day its autumn, the next day you remember its winter.

And so does people.

Again, and again.

:)

9.46am

7th December 2013

Imaginary family tree.

Hi. Nama penuh - Intan Nur Hadilah binti Purdiono.

Dulu masa sekolah sampai sekarang, mesti orang akan bertanya,

" Ayah awak Indonesian ke?"

Yes, he was. And so my mother.

They had migrated to Malaysia around 30 years ago. 

Way before they had me, and so my first brother.

I'm a traveler's daughter. Two married person migrated to another country that was a complete strange to them and decided to have a life here. Solo, no relatives neither other family members.

I grew up,

not knowing how does it feels to 'balik kampung' during holiday or Hari Raya.

not knowing how does it feels to call someone, 'Mak Long' or ' Pak Ngah'.

not knowing how does it feels to have a nenek that will cook whatever you are craving to eat.

But among the 'not knowing', I am so blessed with a brother, a sister, a mother and a dad ( I miss you ) indeed. Truly.

Life is beautiful in many ways depends on how you choose to see it.

And through out my life, there are countless wonderful people come into my life and be my partial family relatives. My partials aunts and uncles, and even cousins.

My mum had babysits these two girls since there were 2 months. 

They were one of my precious childhood memories.

Playing mak-mak, cikgu-cikgu, masak-masak and maybe yes, we did play kahwin-kahwin :p

Being the oldest, i remembered being the mak and these kids would be my lovely children.

Weh okay serius lawak bila fikir balik. Biasa lah zaman takde Angry Bird, Temple Run kan.

And at the age of 17 and 15, Tina and Adik still come over for sleep over.

They remind me pretty much of my sister and me.

Talking about each other friend's and we are each other fashion consultant.

" Adik, Nana nampak BOYAN tak pakai selipar ni?" haha. 

Time flies. These little girls are growing up and be a grown up ladies. 

Kalau dulu ajak main gi padang, sekarang ajak lepak Tutti Frutti lah kannnn. 

Kalau dulu ajar colour colour, sekarang ajar nak kira mass of Oxygen- Chemistry.

Padahal aku pun tak ingat mcm mana.

I thank Him for lending you people in my life. I love you sweethearts dearly. ♥

Be a person your parents would be proud of here and Life after, InsyaAllah.

Ohh and one more thing,

Nanti Kak Intan kahwin tolong jadi flower girl eh? 

The one that got away.

Yes, every soul will taste death. Its a promise we have to believe in.
A promise we have to put our ultimate faith on.
Either its unexpected, expected. Sudden,neither foresee.

I dont see it coming at all. WE dont see it AT ALL.
A few days back from 24th June,

My family was planning a surprise family gathering for my birthday.
A few days back, we were having a normal conversation.

22nd June, Friday

Papa was admitted to the emergency dept because he fell in the toilet and broke one of his rib.

24th June, 12a.m. 

Just an hour ago, i was at home. Making a home-made Tiramisu cake.
When Abang called from the hospital around 12.00am. Crying and terrified.

" Kakak.... Abang tk tahu apa jadi!! Dorang tengah de-fibrillate Papa. Cepat datang. BAWA SEMUA ORANG."

Ya Allah. Sumpah speechless.
Trying hard not to cry and stay calm, i woke Mama up and asked Nana and Kak Siti to get in the car.
Everyone was asking me what happen. Urging me to tell. But i cant. Not yet.
And, Mama cant stop crying in the car.

He revived. But the doctor said papa was critical. His heart stopped.
Dr just bagi two person at once masuk and tengok.
Machine was everywhere. Different wires were attached . He was breathing trough a respiratory machine. Sedih. Setiap orang yang masuk, mesti akan menangis bila keluar.
My sister being the closest to papa was literally menangis and meraung. She was just too weak at that moment. We had to calm her down.

It was the longest night of my life.
Sitting beside his hospital bedside, waiting for him to wake up.
Holding his cold hand, while listening to people reciting Yassin.
Perhaps that would be the longest time of my life holding his hand.
Counting every second of the ventilation machine to beep. Continue to beep and beeping.

Every second at that moment worth more than anything in the world.

I remembered how terrified i was, when the respiratory machine seems to stop functioning even for one second. One second.

7am +

Two specialist were talking to me. They gave him drugs to stabilize his blood pressure.
And suddenly, the nurse yelled,

 " Doctor! Asystole. Asystole."

Doctors and nurses rushed to his bed, pulled the curtain.
A nurse brought the oxygen tank. Another brought the defibrillator, again.
I knew this can be THAT moment.
Aku tak tahu macam mana nak describe saat ni.
Praying HARD, trying to give whatever you can offer to God, to give you just another chance.
Shaking, crying and silently praying.

" Ya Allah tolong lah. Bukan sekarang. Tapi kalau ajal papa dah sampai, Kau redha kan lah hati kami."

Ironically, as cliche as it can be.
After 10 minutes, the doctor walked out and said, " Im so sorry but we tried our best. Sent your prayers for him"

..........................................

Let the rest be in my memories.

The last time i talked to him was on Saturday. The 2nd of his admission.

"Okay papa, kakak nak balik dulu tau. Bye bye. See you tomorrow." Kissed his forehead.

He replied, while attached to the oxygen mask,
" Okay kakak jaga diri baik baik eh."

And, I never foresee that would be the last time i talked to him. The last time i saw him alive.
That was his last word to me.

InsyaAllah I will.

♥

" Allah rindu mendengar rintihan mu, kerana itu Allah memberi sedikit ujian, agar kamu ingat kepadaNya."